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7/21/00
Here I am sitting here again so insignificant and
silent, deaf to all sounds but the music of Stabbing Westward blaring through my headphones. I dont want the music to end,
I dont want to leave this hole Ive found for myself tonight. I love and appreciate the salida I find in these moments.
Im sad, such a beautiful melancholy has taken over
me tonight as I sit here staring out my window, questioning the world, questioning my own questions and reaching inside and
looking at myself. Its this world I have truly connected with. I have found myself here.
Sadness is seen as such a terrible thing. Its something
that nobody wants because theyre not "supposed" to want it. It isnt what media displays as "normalcy", anything less then
complete happiness is unhealthy, wrong, ugly and should be medicated quickly
But what is better, a medicated smile, or a truly
beautiful feeling of self connection, discovery and love?
Sadness is seen as something much like depression,
but it is so different. The only way I can describe sadness is this. Sadness is that completely peaceful tranquil feeling
that follows crying. Crying to me, is a beautiful thing. As tears flow from your eyes, the windows to everything inside of
you, you connect with yourself and your feelings and you breath. Many people say that nearly dying is the one thing
that really makes you feel alive, but I think that crying is what truly makes you feel alive. Its a real connection to your
self.
Happiness has been drained of all that was good about
it. Its been turned into a word with no meaning worth anything. Expensive cars, trendy shoes and cheap meaningless sex are
the newfound definition of happiness. Its fake and based on materialistic objects.
Nobody wants to be sad, so its abandoned and left to those looking for a world of beautiful completeness. Sadness
is a perspective that has no limits. It allows one to be completely open minded to everything it can acknowledge. It allows
you to see every angle of all things whether its a wilted rose, or a simple thought. Its the acknowledgment of everything,
not just those that bring false smiles upon your face. 
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This is an e-mail i recieved a while ago from a
friend. He is by far one of the most intelligent people ive come across so far. I hope he doesnt mind me sharing this. But
there are many good points in this and many things that i couldnt have said better. Here:
Sad again. An artform I can't seem to escape, it has its
beauty. Unlike
Happiness, which has been exploited and raped of all that was pure about it.
Happiness is a void, nobody
knows the meaning of it anymore. With television,
radio and magazines distorting what it is, fake smiles and laughter coming
from
every peice of latest technology, telling us that we will act the same if we
own that toothbrush, that stereo and
that car.
Sadness if pure. Sadness is left alone, unwanted by that world. Nobody is
sad anymore, everybody is either
stressed or depressed. Taking drugs to cure
something that is just so simpy natural and HUMAN. Sadness brings you in touch
with your emotions, you understand things better.
It feels strange and wrong because nobody is ever sad on television,
its not
"marketable" for television shows to have unhappy endings. Sure they throw
in a few sad moments in movies, but
they never last - and and thats only in
the better ones.
People don't know how to be sad because they havent been
instructed by the
mass media to be sad. Everyone is walking around talking about love and
happiness, living your life
and having fun.. but all those lines people mutter to
one another, they come from advertising agnecies, script writers
and
television commericals.
To know unhappiness, true unhappiness is to know yourself. Because there is
no standard
for sadness. It something you must figure out yourself, and you
should NEVER avoid it, because you can get better at it..
and in those dark
moments when you feel crushed, burnt and torn by the world. The times were you truly feel despair is
when that feeling that is completly "you" is able to
imerge.
Its why creative people get so creative when they
are depressed, maybe its
because they feel the world has kicked the shit out of them and they just
don't care what people
think anymore, so they are able to govern their mind in
true freedom. Its probobly a lot more, but Ive felt this way so
many times.
Lying there, in my room with the lights out, the same track repeating over
and over... feeling almost
dead.. is when words start flowing through my mind,
poetry.. landscapes flash and my imagination is able to see right down
to
what I am.
Flower Of Life
The "Flower Of Life" is a symbol that is sacred among ancient and
modern culture around the world. Within the symbol all the building blocks of the universe called "Platonic Solids" can be
found. The symbol is also used as a metaphor to illustrate the connectedness of all life and spirit within the universe.
The importance of Platonic Solids is they are found in the early
stages of construction in organic life and the consciousness. Platonic Solids are studied because they relate to the human
body and the nature of consciousness bringing understanding of the construction and connectedness of the universe, and an
awareness and feeling of "all that is".
When the Flower of Life is placed over the face of an ordinary circle
or sphere, it maps a window into the unity of infinity and turns the ordinary into a revelation of the extraordinary.
Looking into the window of the FOL challenges us to unify our mind
heart and spirit. When we can see all life woven so intimately, we strengthen the embrace of the divine in our lives and we
can transform our world through the vision of universal unity.
Neo-Nazism
"I believe in filth greed and destruction" -American History X. Thats probably one
of the greatest movies ever made. One of the few movies that has a real meaning... a real point. Most people might not fully
analyze it, and see it as simply a movie about racism. And maybe that is all it was... maybe i just analyzed it to much. But
this is what i got from it.
Neo-nazis, maybe it sounds wrong, but i dont have a problem with them. They think differently,
they have different views and beliefs. By hating them for hating people for what they believe in, your really just as bad
because your hating them for what they believe in. I dont dislike neo-nazis or racist people im not racist myself, but i understand
they have their own reasoning that works in forming the way they think. I just dont agree with they're ways of going about
doing it.
They walk around with swastikas on their arms, a symbol of Hitler's plan to make his "ideal"
world of people. But its also a sign of failure. Hitler didnt get what he wanted. Yes he made a huge effect on the world but
he still failed at what he really wanted to do and in the end he killed himself. They seem to still think the plan will
work, by hating and killing and discriminatiing. But it didnt work for Hitler, it wont work for them, especially this day
in age. Hitler was a manipulator, he got all of his people at the lowest point when they were vulnerable and willing to do
anything. He promised them a better life, a better world. Its so far from that now, yet they still walk around with they're
swastika tattoos and swastika arm bands. Yes, maybe the Swastika stands for Hitler, for racism... but i think it stands more
for failure, hypocrisy and discrimination. If it was something these neo-nazis truely believed in, they wouldnt walk around
standing for a plan and a man that failed to do it all.... they would be somewhere in the depths of their neo nazi basement
meetings... creating their own plan... and their own symbol.
Perspective
I believe everything comes down to perspective.
The mind is such a large and complex place filled with so many different perspectives. I think that what makes people so different
is the way they view things, the way in which they look at things. What makes one person love something, and another person
hate it? Perspective. Most would say it's just "what they like and dont like". But what makes a person like or dislike
something? A person cant control what they feel, what they think about something. They can only pretend. What i feel about
something, is just what i feel and i accept that. Many people don't. The best example i can think of is the way i view sadness.
I love sadness. I think it's a beautiful thing. I could explain the beauty i see in it, but i cant begin to tell you why i
see that beauty. Its the perspective in which my mind see's it. People seem to think its "unhealthy" to be sad, simply because
somebody with a different perspective has made that statement and put it in books... and therefor people that are unable to
think on their own, believe it. Perspective is what makes people different. You can look at a painting upside down, and it
could simply look like an ugly blend of colors. But maybe if you were to turn it around the other way, it could become a beautiful
world of color and emotion. Many people don't give the chance to turn things around and see them in a new light. Thats where
openmindedness comes in. When you're open minded, you allow yourself to see things from all different perspectives. What once
was ugly could turn beautiful with just a new view of it. Many people tell me im pessimistic. But im far from it. Im happy
within my sadness. Im happy with the perspectives i see things from. A person can take anything, and change the way they feel
about it. When one see's a bundle of roses, they overlook the wilted ones and set their eyes on the one in full bloom.
The wilted one has its beauty, perhaps its not the color or the form, but it holds its own form. It sheds its petals,
it changes. The once beautiful rose will wilt and change as well, losing all color and form and bringing a
new one. And even the most beautiful roses have thorns dont they? All things have beauty, all things have ugliness,
as well as all things between. But so many people just see the obvious, the plain and the external. Most people
just see what they want to see... what they think is the goodness and beauty...
Does a sky lose beauty when the
rain falls? Not at all. The sky is still there, showing a new form, changing and replenishing the earth and
all of the life upon it.
A world like "Ka"
Back in ancient egypt, "Ka" was the answer to peoples behavior.
"Ka" was a little person that lived inside people and controlled their behaviors and emotions. Eventually the question arose
as to "who controlled Ka?", the answer was an even smaller person called "Ka number two". That line of reasoning was used
all the way up to Ka number seven. At that point, it could no longer be questioned because the number seven was sacred and
was not to be questioned.
This modern world seems to have its own form of "Ka". All
of peoples bad decisions are blamed on this inner smaller being. This inner being seems to be known as "chemical imbalance".
A much more complicated name for a much more complicated world of people. Peoples emotions and behaviors are all blamed on
Chemical Imbalance. Its impossible for people to really have naturally occuring negative thoughts of course.
But at least the Egyptians knew when to end their questioning,
for all things can not be questioned, things must simply be accepted. So why is it so hard for people these days to simply
stop analyzing and questioning things that aren't considered by society to be "normal" and just accept it for exactly what
it is? "Chemical Imbalance" is like Ka, it does not truely exist. It's just an answer to something that is, in reality, impossible
to answer factually. Yes, the mind controls emotions and behaviors, but what causes the mind to do what IT does? Nobody knows.
It could be anything, it could be a God, it could be the stars, it could be anything. We'll never really know... so why not
just accept the things that IT does? Its obviously more powerful, and people fear things that have more power then we can
even imagine. So there must me SOME sort of answer. So they've created Chemical Imbalance. The little smaller being inside
our heads. Seven is not a sacred number to us, so Chemical Imbalance is endless and infinite.
Religion
This is a very large area of thought and questioning. All religion
can be questioned and argued and it all ends in opinon. I personally, do not believe in the idea of organized religion. It
is really nothing but a bunch of socially accepted cults. I am Buddhist. Raised Christian, but ive learned to be completely
against it, and have chosen to become Buddhist instead. Buddhism is far from the typical organized religion. It does not tell
you how to live, what to think, what to believe, what to/not to do. Its a religion of self discovery, freedom, mental peace
and balance.
Religion is the cause of many world problems. I am a believer that
religion was created simply to keep the world in a straight line. It manipulates and brainwashes people to "do the right
thing" or else they will be condemned to an eternity in Hell.
Religion is Hypocrisy.
Religion preaches that one is to accept others for who they are and
what they are no matter how different. But yet this world, full of "holy religious followers" does nothing but discriminate
and hate. People discriminate against and kill homosexuals because the Bible says its "wrong". People have "holy wars" over
which religion is right and which is wrong. Holy wars are like fighting over who has the bettter imaginary friend. People
kill other people simply because they're skin color is a shade lighter or darker, because they have different heritage, different
ideas, different theories... and even worse... different religious beliefs.
I once found myself in this conversation with my mother, who said "Its
Eves fault there are wars and hate in the world. She ate the apple, and forced Adam to eat the apple and ruined everything.
Shes why theres evil in the world." I simply said that all of what she said was just a sad and weak excuse to make this
world see innocently overtaken by Evil. It sounds like something from the world of Fairy Tales. The evil in this world was
not brought upon us because "Eve" was curious and ate the apple. It is human instinct to be curious about the things that people
warn us against. The evil was brought upon us by ourselves. Our ignorance, our need for power, our hate and discrimination
and closed mindedness... and ALL of that coming from Religion.
What good has religion really done for this world? Its given people
hope that there is something better after death, but ONLY if they go through life living every moment by the standards and
limits the Bible and other religious texts throw upon us. And if they fail they are condemned to hell to be tormented by the
underworld. Why would such a wonderful man (God) ever create such a terrible place? Well, supposedly a little Angel named
Lucifer that had fallen from the heavens created it. But if God is so powerful why did he not destroy it?
Ive asked these questions to many religious people and Priests, and
the most common response is "You are not supposed to question God and religion". Of course not, because too much questioning
could lead to the realization that it is a simple fairy tale. Its a fairy tale made up to keep people in order much like Hitler
and his Nazis. The bible is a tabloid full of false promises and lies and manipulative brainwashing.
Religion has brought NO good to this world.
The "Holy Wars" over "Holy grounds" are still continuing, people are
wasting their lives searching for truth, justice, and a piece of what is a simple Fairy tale. And i think it is a very
sad thing. But i dont believe its worth hating the world for because by hating them for what they believe... your really just
as bad as them.
Plague
We're on a decline, falling from the peak of the earth which
hit hundreds and hundreds of years ago. Before technology, before media, before the fight for power, before religious wars,
before terrorism, before hypocrisy, government, racism, discrimination. The peak that was lived, experienced and appreciated
by none other then the Natives. I've come to the conlcusion, that the worlds peak could have been stretched for so much longer
then it was, i believe we were pushed on a decline by our own closed minded inventions, ideas and "better ways of life".
I believe there are three main things that all of the worlds
smaller problems can be retraced too. Those three things are Religion, Media, and Power. I have already discussed my thoughts
on religion in the above essay. So here, i will explain my thoughts on the other two.
Media- The worlds population of people,
that are more like machines then anything, are programmed and controlled my television, magazines and everything else that
can be labelled media. The people that control media, are like inventors and creators. They decide what people will dress
like, think like, say, want and do in the future. Then they put those things on television and pages and pages of magazines.
They sell the world using the world and the consumers themselves. Girls run around, looking exactly alike as if we're
living in barbie dreamland and pretending to live the life of their favorite thursday night WB sitcom character. Their
words, their thoughts and their actions are all greatly influenced by television shows. Their lives are scripts that have
been written by... media.
Commercials and advertisements sell nothing but lies. They
complicate things, they confuse you into buying things... and worst of all... they trick your mind. Psychologist studies have
proved many things like this, for example, the color RED has been proven to make people hungry. So look at every fast food
restaraunt... what color are their big signs and logos. Red. Yes, perhaps its just the way the world works... but why not
just let things be simple, in plain black and white and just let people decide for themselves what they want?
Power- Religion is a big part of the worlds
fight for power, but along with religion comes government, money and what i see as an illness among 99% of the worlds population.
It seems people feel that they need to be greater then the person next to them, in some way. Perhaps it makes them feel better
about themselves, or perhaps they just believe that the more power you hold, the better life you live, or the closer to the
meaning of life you are. But the reality is... power can't be "held", it is held by no one. It is a mental thing. I had a
conversation with somebody about this once, and he made a good point which i did not think of... he said "Well when somebody
holds a gun to your head, is that not power?" And yes, it is power, and its power that is held in the hands of somebody. But
thats the worst part, the idea of power, is now being made into material things. Guns, weapons, death, war. They are power...
or at least things that are done to make people FEEL more powerful. They are truely just things to increase the level
of power somebody has... or THINKS they have.
Sadly, media and power are growing problems. They get stronger
every day and destroy more and more of the world. And we're all to ignorant to stop it...
"Labels"
People see the idea of "labels" as such a terrible
thing, i am guilty of thinking this at one point as well. My views on the ideas of labels has changed though, and ive come
to see them as simply an easier way to recognize people your more likely to connect with.
People and society seemed to be divided into groups
like Punk, Emo, Goth, Nerd, Jock... and then theres the "trendy" and "preppy". Those labels are simply that... labels. Nothing
more. They're not saying that the indivduals are all the same, they're simply stating that the people of those groups or as
i like to call them "scenes" have many of the same interests. One of the main interests is usually music, which seems to connect
many people and create many different scenes.
All people on some level are expressive in the
way they hold their appearance. They dont dress a certain way or dedcorate themselves with certain colors and accessories
because they want to "fit in", they do it because they want people to be able to look at them and say, "They are most likely
into..." or simply because thats what they like and its what makes them feel good. Of course people that like the same thing...
will somewhat dress in what they like. There is no "original" when it comes to outer appearance. There is always somebody
that likes the same. For example, "Emo-kids" tend to walk around wearing lots of buttons and band t-shirts and dickies or
salvation army "meat is murder" t-shirts... not because its the cool thing to do, but cause they want to scream out "hey i
listen to emo, im a vegitarian and i love music." Is doing that really that terrible?
If we all walked around... looking the same in
some attempt to end the idea of "labels"... we'd all be completely lost with no idea who to talk to.
Im not saying that if you see somebody that doesnt
dress like you that you shouldnt talk to them because they probably dont have the same interests... im saying that if you
see somebody that is dressed somewhat like you... that they probably do that the same interests.
I just dont understand why its made out to be such
a big thing... it doesnt take away our individuality... it just makes it easier to find people that you'd get along with better...
*wow*.. what a terrible thing...
Machine Vs. Nature
Ok... heres a theory. People often say "Its illegal to have
a naturally growing plant... how ridiculous is that". But really if you think about it, in a world where we drive cars, live
in a society where we are forced to wake up at the ass crack of dawn and work, have an education, good job, lots of money
"responsibilities", reasoning and rational thinking... weed being illegal really isnt that ridiculous (tho the idea of alcohol
being legal is)
But if you turn it around and look at the true "ridiculous",
the true "ridiculous" is not that weed is illegal because "its not bad", it is that we actually have created this world and
society of cars, jobs, money, responsibilities and a "standard" way of living. And that is the "ridiculous" when your thinking
from a perspective in which you believe all of the contents of this man-made "system" and modern technology are unnatural
and is the destruction and interruption of the true way of life.
If we lived in THAT world, where the "system" and the "ridiculous"
didnt exist... then smoking weed would be a completely normal and accepted thing to do because there would be no set "standard"
of living and no need to worry about getting up at the ass crack of dawn, making lots of money and having lots of intelligent
brain cells and "rational" thoughts. People wouldnt have to fear that there was no "real" reason to partake in mind altering
substance because there would be nothing that it can "effect" (such as work, school, ect).
Back in the day, when Native American inhabited the world,
before the world became a machine, they live off the earth the way earth was intended to be used. Everything needed for survival
and mind expansion is found naturally. So back then it would have been "ridiculous" to make mind altering substances illegal
but in this machine its not. People are advised no to operate machinery while under the influence so its nearly impossible
to operate our machinelike lives with drugs.
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